Brains, not brawn, for college!

It has long been a secret--not!--that American football is not compatible with having any brains left to do college work.  Now there is yet another story, in the New York Times, this time about this in regard to the University of Colorado's football brain-injured.  This sport is as savage as the Roman Coliseum 'sports' were two thousand years ago, and, yes, humans may be slow learners, but that is far too long for us to get the message.

We here at Penn State have the world's third largest football stadium, a grand stage on which to observe brain damage (not to mention various other breaks and bruises) of our 'students'.  Of course, some of these players actually are students in a serious rather than technical sense of the term.  How many leave here with fewer IQ points than when they came, is not known.  At least some do major in actual college-level subjects, and many are very fine students (as I can say from direct personal experience).

But it is time to change, NFL or not.  Let those who want to gladiate for money in the NFL get their brain-damaging preparatory experience elsewhere.  We are supposed to be universities, places of classroom and lab learning, not brute brain bashing.  Football may have been safer decades ago before training methods improved to make these guys huge monsters in size and strength.  It's not their fault, of course, but ours--the adults at universities.  We brought this about, and there is one reason: we wanted money from attendees, alums, TV networks, and so on.  But  universities should not operate on the greed metric, but should stand for something higher, something better.

Indeed, we can have it both ways:  If we moved soccer 'football' to the stadiums, there would be a lot of grumbling from alumni, and maybe a few years of lower donations (mainly to the athletic department, one can surmise) and lower beer and hot dog sales, but eventually they'd all be back, cheering their lungs out for the Nittany Lion soccer team.  And they could have many more games--and for men and women--in a season.  It would eventually pay out.  Well, TV revenues might drop a lot for a while, but if other actual 'universities' followed suit, everything would recover, except the players.  They would not have to recover, since they'd have far fewer injuries (and protective headbands could be used to protect from damage during headers).  And they could take more, and more substantial, college courses while doing this.

It's worth thinking about, for those readers who still have their brains intact to do such a thing.

Marshawn Lynch's extra placenta feeds the curiosity

The most important sporting event in the universe will take place Sunday night and that's partly why one of the players, Marshawn Lynch, has been in the spotlight. But it's not entirely why.

Marshawn Lynch, running back for the Seattle Seahawks.

He's an interesting guy, and in more ways than his mesmerizing moves, broken tackles, and bizarre locker room interviews, as Andrew Sharp writes:

After his mother gave birth to him 28 years ago, the midwife told her that she may have had a twin that died in utero.“They just knew that Marshawn was living off two placentas,” his mother told USA Today. “She told me that with that, he may be an amazingly strong child.”

We all have origin stories, some more elaborate or more epic than others. And when someone is notable or special or revered or freakish, we certainly pile it on. You can't just be born if you're somebody. You have to emerge under a full moon at the very least, but even better under a meteor shower, and best while Halley's comet's in sight.

Siddhartha was talking and walking right out of the birth canal. And you know who he became? The Buddha.

Marshawn Lynch was feasting from not one but two placentas. And you know who he became? Beast Mode.

Right. But if you've ever read this blog before you're probably wondering the same thing I'm wondering: Is it even possible for a fetus to be nourished from two placentas? Like with two umbilical cords or a bifurcated one?

I'm going to offer that yes, it's possible; to say otherwise is as arrogant as that semicolon. But hell no I don't know of an instance to share with you. And hell yes I think it's highly unlikely that Lynch was living off two placentas. What's more, even if he was, it wouldn't necessarily have anything biologically to do with Beast Mode. I just can't see how. But I'm not exactly the Beast Mode of placentology so take that for what you will.

Lately, however, I am the Beast Mode of new motherhood so I adore how the midwife and the family interpreted the two placenta event. This is what makes humans a riot. This is why they're my new favorite species. Spin a tale about the start of a precious life, the kind of tale that sets dreams afloat... the sky's the limit for this kid and nobody better get in the way of that.

But here comes science. The parsimonious placental tale would be that Beast Mode's twin died in utero, but the placenta stayed around (boring!). I gather from a brief Google search that this happens occasionally, or that this is how the presence of two placentas (or one placenta that looks like it has two parts) is normally explained.

But see, now we've done it. The science killjoys have ruined another beautiful legend. If the Lynch family has already been fed that boring scientific explanation, or if they read it here just now, and feel like their story might no longer have legs, we can help. Let's put some stardust back into it, but with different science.

If there was a twin, then the fact that Marshawn Lynch survived the same experience that his twin couldn't, well, that might speak volumes about his strength. 

There. It's not a far-fetched story, as-is, already. And that's lovely. But we can do better.

If Marshawn Lynch was born with teeth--which the Buddha probably had too if he could speak so well at birth--then maybe Lynch didn't just merely out-survive his twin. Maybe he went full Beast Mode in utero, just like the sand tiger shark where one vicious shark blasts through the other eleven. No kidding. This shark has to prey upon its siblings in the womb if it is going to be born, and the one born is not only strong but stronger for it.

Feeding from two placentas? Never heard of it.

But feeding off your embryonic kin? Yeah.