Monday, October 14, 2013

For any souls on the market...Open House Today

Welcome to my body! Before we go in, allow me to point out the abundant wildlife inhabiting the property. It's even more profuse inside. That's because it's been mega-great-grandmothered in, and it can't be removed by the owner. But, listen, if this bothers you, don't worry. You won't even notice it most days and, trust me, you'll be glad it's there.

OK! Now, let me show you around. It's a mobile home and all of these are built-ins, some of which have been added-on. There are some real pluses. Like, I can ride a bike. But I don’t know exactly how it’s done. Who cares though! You'll enjoy it because this body enjoys the outdoors, rigorous exercise, travel, and new experiences.

Yep, I enjoy exercise. Running especially. This is not ubiquitous across the market! For many, the pain is too annoying or even too intense and many never get a neurotransmitter or hormonal high from it. This unit does though! So, it’s easier for you to stay fit than otherwise. Also, it’s an additional source of joy as well. For a happy fix, all you have to do is slip on your sneakers and get going. Do this when you’re having both good and bad days. Whether or not it's a spandrel, it's wonderful. Especially with a soundtrack. Speaking of music...I can still remember a few nice songs on the piano, however, you  can't actually think through them or else you’ll fall off and have to start all the way back at the beginning.  To restore this place as a musician again's going to take a lot of elbow grease, but it's not off the table.

Fueling the home's pretty standard. Of course, food's the best. Although beer's important too. When it just touches the lips, you feel instantly different, better. The wiring's similar to the running highs and, probably also to the coffee requirements and the social needs as well. But because of the beer love you'll spend a few minutes most days wondering whether you have a problem and whether you should ingest less of it and how you would go about doing that. Go down to just one a day? Starting tomorrow? No, that’s the weekend. Starting Monday? No, that won't work. Ah, forget it. Who cares, you ask. Life is short, you think. And you keep it up. But it's probably contributed handily to the deterioration over the years, diminishing its performance in the long run.

It just wouldn't be right not to tell you these things. I wouldn't want to be accused of pulling a bait and switch or selling you a bill of goods! What does that mean? A bill of goods… should be a bill of bads.  Oh and speaking of bads... indeed, more than a fair share of idiom confusion, which infects the whole command of the English language, is built-in too. And so's worrying about how others perceive you, especially your integrity. 

Where were we? Oh yes, maintenance stuff. I need seven to eight hours of sleep at night to function best. All this sleep takes time away from doing other things. So that's kind of a drag, but it’s just how this machine operates! Like the fuel issues we mentioned, this is also pretty standard for this price range. Along those lines, I am most productive in the morning, very early in the morning, and can hardly speak in sentences, let alone write them after four o'clock. So you can just adjust your day accordingly to maximize efficiency...which is really just going along with the program and taking credit for it. I think you know what I mean.

Another thing you should know up front: The unit was built in Florida, spent many endless summers in large bodies of water, and then took many trips to equatorial Africa. Just take your self to the dermatologist every year, religiously, to make sure it won’t fail of skin cancer well before it fails from another of the myriad built-ins or add-ons...perhaps like the one that has you on the market today!

It’s a professor’s life in here. I dare you to try something else to earn money! It’s possible, but it’s limited. Once you move in you'll’re not a trained, let alone gifted, athlete, artist, crafter, maker, builder, repairer, restorer, linguist, or mathematician. You don’t have dexterous fingers, highly attuned ears, or laser-sharp vision. You’re pretty high-strung. You don’t have the stomach for blood. You don’t have the guts for a classroom full of young children. Sitting for long periods of time at a computer is painful, and you’re not a technological whiz, or anything remotely close to it. So you've already accepted that you will not be any sort of futuristic computer whisperer when it comes to scientific research. But this isn't debilitating given that you can work by observing, reading, writing, calculating, discussing, lecturing, and digging!

The architecture's fairly conservative. But it's just so functional! The freckled facade, with blue eyes, topped by curly blond hair, appear young and naive and non-threatening. Even trustworthy. Built of ancient European molecules, this structure's often favored where English is spoken and even in many places where it isn't. In fact, it's such a good example of this aesthetic that it's been compared to Eva Braun's. Take that as you will, but it does say a lot about the tradition. And with or without that reference, the surface is treated in such a way that builds confidence, enabling you to make friends and succeed at things, which in turn makes you increasingly more attractive to others and, thereby, successful at things. It also means that, for those routine professor functions, your teaching evaluations will be padded, which leads to easier retention and promotion which means less stress, more job security, and more financial gains down the road. Being tall complements these effects.You can see over a crowd better at concerts, maybe shine a bit sports-wise too. But height also lends power, improving your social and political affairs, increasing your social and political capital... and up up and away you go.  

OK! Well that covers the big stuff! This joint's got good bones and, so far as anyone can tell, a sturdy foundation too. And, sure, it could use some fixing up, but don't they all? And, hey, after moving in, the surroundings will determine for you whether you actually end up doing any fixing up. Come to think of it, you’ll have no choice but to have a smooth transition into this body! It practically requires that you feel right at home immediately. It will be as if you were never not here to begin with. 

Do let me know if you’re leaning one way or the other. Hope it's obvious what a perfect fit you are. I wouldn't have you any other way.

1 comment:

Ken Weiss said...

Some of us provide more worn out homes than others!