I watch Jersey Shore sometimes.
And it’s for science, I swear.
Whatever. You watch it too.
And what’s been troubling me, more than the tanning tax that Obama imposed on Snooki, is that my favorite thing to exclaim to my husband - they’re gorillas... they behave just like gorillas - hasn’t been based in science.
There are just too many silverbacks for the cast of Jersey Shore to be compared fairly to gorillas.
See, I observe gorilla behavior at the zoo all day long for weeks at a time and suddenly everyone, you, me and especially The Situation, becomes a gorilla.
But even though the males don't quite match up to gorillas, the girls of Jersey Shore actually do. The crowning moment was when instead of the girls telling another girl in the group that her boyfriend (one of the group's males) was cheating on her, they wrote her an anonymous note.
That’s, like, so gorilla!
Any good-natured human female would just tell her friend that her boyfriend was cheating on her. But gorilla girls are loyal first to the silverback male (voluntarily or not) so confiding in a girlfriend is a no-no. Actually, getting caught is the no-no; Silverbacks prevent females from both hating and loving one another too much.
Since females are always within several meters of the male, how can a female gorilla be a good girlfriend? Instead of sitting her down over a cup of tea, the Jersey Gir-illa writes her an anonymous letter. This way she avoids the wrath of the roided-up male.
Okay, easy: The ladies of Jersey Shore are gorillas.
But the obvious obstacle to taking this analogy all the way is that there are four males co-existing on the cast of Jersey Shore. Silverback gorillas don't co-exist.
Or so we thought. Recently, Veronica Vecellio, Gorilla Program Director at the Karisoke Research Center reported that two silverbacks are cooperating in Pablo’s group. Two dudes getting along. Two males dominating a group of females and juveniles together, sharing reproductive access and a can of Axe body spray.
Now, this could merely be foreshadowing the split of a sub-group and time will tell.
However, these chest-thumping gorillas are just two silverbacks shy of Jersey Shore.
That's one step closer than they were last week.
So for now it's safe to keep exclaiming away: Jersey Shore is all fist-pumping gorillas!
Or, if you prefer: Pablo's group at the Karisoke Research Center is going totally Jersey Shore!
Granted, many of you are probably thinking, "Hey dummy, they're not gorillas at all. They're all chimpanzees on that show. Chimps make so much more sense with all the dude-on-dude bonding and the constant grooming."
Fair enough. Maybe I'll weigh back in on this question after I work on some chimps. To be continued.
In the meantime, if you don't have a convenient neighborhood zoo with apes to observe, just watch some Jersey Shore.
And consider donating to the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund.